[Reading] See, Feel and Become

Finally, I finished my final exam yesterday. I also finished a book, 聆聽 一個解說員的驕傲與孤獨, about an professional guide of 梅峰農場. She records what she saw and felt and also tries to explain all these feelings. It’s interesting for someone who also loves creatures and mountains.

There are some cool points in this book. She was major in Chinese philology, but not any about biology or forestry. She quitted her job (dissension with her boss), then it changed her next life. What the special background and experience. She use the different view to see all the creatures, including every leaf and feather. In the forest, the tasks about born, living and also dying are unavoidable, it’s just a cycle, is as common as water running, wind flowing. But, these are always the most dramatic events in human’s life. We are always afraid of something unknown, and also we know clearly. It’s weird and ambivalent, right?

In the book, the most she focus on is nature, the second is people. An guide just like a bridge between the nature and human. When she meet everyone from everywhere, do the different jobs, with different mind, the one reason of their getting together is forest. She open her mind to accept different points, including right and wrong, mature or ignorance. She said ‘Everyone are all like a novel, Just listen to every stories, you will find what you ignore, what you forget, and you will remember something. Reflect on ourselves and our life, your mind will never stagnate.’

She always spend all over night lonely in the wild, just want to wait for a glance of the moth. It’s cold and wet in the wild at midnight without doubt, sometimes it’s also dangerous. Especially, she worked whole day and also have to wake up early tomorrow. No one want her to do that, that just her interest. Don’t you feel tired? ‘Of course!!!’ she said. ‘But, if you always feel easy and relaxed, but not exhausted or break down, you will never know what you really love.’

Her words stimulates my resonance, specifically we have been to the same mountains and forest, saw the same landscape with different view. Sometimes, I felt in her shoes, and sometimes, made me think a lot. It’s interesting that we all see the same world, all live in Taiwan, in the Earth, but because of our past life, just like we wear a glasses respectively, causing special feelings respectively. It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right, these tasks are accumulated gradually and turn into what we are.

(This is not a reading-friendly book, because of a ton of proper names and scientific names in every chapters. Ignore them, it’s ok.)

Champ, saturating in the beautiful sunshine in Taipei

廣告

[ED] A letter to Nepal

Dear Bishal

I haven’t seen you for a long time.Have you forgot me? How are you lately? Although I have come back to my country for about two years, I still miss you very much. I also miss the Nepalese cuisine and the mountains in Nepal.

Now, I am a master student in National Taiwan University. I still major in forestry. It’s my favorite. Recently, I am busy about my research, about one kind of shrub, Berberis. (If you don’t know what it is, maybe you can ask Govinda, I think he can answer you.) Do you like plant? or do you find new interest? Hope you can share with me.

There is a book, The Little Prince. It’s one of my favorite books. Have you read it? I think you can read it, and it’s also a good book. Hope you will love it. Photo attached with this letter. It’s me! This summer, I went to Orchid Island, is a small volcanic island in the Pacific Ocean about 33 km off the eastern coast of Taiwan. I can saw the beautiful ocean everyday on the island. If you come to Taiwan, we can go to there together, I think you will love there too.

Good luck, good health.

Champ, in Taipei, 2015

[淼] 參個月。

要敲出些什麼給三個月,我拖著下巴,數著外面尷尬的小雨,有些不真實。

做好遠距離戀愛的打算,想起我曾和朋友們說的:『我絕對不能接受遠距離戀愛!』到現在,我好像都一在地看見自己,很少出現在我的人生中的,也不被我自己允許的矛盾和荒唐。或許這都不算是我們倆真正的初戀,也都曾經在愛裡跌撞,蹣跚地從上一段中好不容易走了出來,遇見了彼此。依然害怕愛情,我必須承認。總是顧慮著很多,也想了很多,像是我改不掉的分析研究思緒;對於最親的人,依然愛鬧脾氣,是我改不掉的傲;或許還需要多少包容,才能解開何謂愛。我小心翼翼地拿捏比重。每一刻,我都提醒著自己,珍惜。

還記得嗎?我們倆悄悄地走在綠島沒人的沙灘上,你親親地牽起我的手,那是我第一次在外面牽手,我們錯過了水芫花開花的季節,只有海浪和海風,和你和我,有一搭沒一搭地走著,我靜靜地享受那一刻,那是這輩子第一次有人牽起我的手,十指緊扣的。無法忘懷,多們希望就沿著這條無垠的海岸線,一直走下去。

還記得嗎?那一晚,第一次你讓出胳膊,讓我窩在裏頭,那晚我捨不得睡去,那是第一次如此清晰地感受著一個人的氣息和心跳,一個固定和諧的頻率,輕撫著我睡去。你抱怨著我睡癖很差,一直把你擠下床,有時還會打呼,還把棉被都捲走,聽了我笑了,這是第一次有人對我這麼說,不太好意思告訴你,那是我睡得最安穩的一晚。

還記得嗎?那晚累癱在沙發上,用了多少個吻才叫醒昏迷不省人事的我;還記得嗎?那晚老爸打給我知道我是同志時,我依靠在你身上,流著眼淚;還記得嗎?我們一度過了幾個開著視訊的夜晚,看著彼此,就這樣睡去;還記得嗎?我去四川的每一天,只有你跨海陪我聊天;還記得嗎?浸在溫泉中,坐靠在你懷裡,一起靜靜地望著大落地窗外雨濛濛的烏來;還記得嗎?那天雨下得好大,你我只有一把傘,我們一起窩在傘下,等久久才一班的公車來;還記得嗎?生日那天,你摀著我的眼,帶了好多小蠟燭,排了愛心,是專屬你的驚喜;還記得嗎?我們一起到市場,拿著你手寫的菜單,一起提著菜回來,一起邊玩邊煮,一起吃著馬鈴薯泥和太嗆的生洋蔥;還記得嗎?你環抱著我看電影,我總是不太專心於劇情,頻頻按暫停;還記得嗎?第一次赤裸地坦承到翻天覆地,懷著多少緊張,已多過於激情;還記得嗎?你載著我一起穿梭在台南的鄉間小路,看著你的過往,補齊我所來不及參與的你的過去;還記得嗎?你壓低外套的帽子,走在台大校園的角落,我們悄悄地牽起手;還記的嗎?你每次熬了六個多小時的客運來台北,還堅持揹著一大罐台農牛奶;還記得嗎?我們一起坐在冷颼颼的象山頂,以101煙火為背景,一齊度過2014,還記得嗎?你第一次向你的好朋友坦承自己,也同時讓我以你的男朋友的身分出現的那份勇氣;還記得嗎?我們討論著關於婚禮的模樣,還記得嗎?還記得嗎?還有好多好多,或許我們有著好多好多不一樣,各自在南北過著不一樣的生活,第一次見面是在網路上不經意地聊天,竟然展開了這一連串不可思議的,相愛。我才逐漸認識這個字彙,也是這輩子第一次。

多少個第一次?我都會記得。逐漸累積,不吝嗇說愛,已經成了一種習慣,愛的雛型和印象,三個月,好快也好慢,好短也好長,還有多少個日子要走?還有多少故事呢?我很期待很期待。

看著你的粗眉和鬍渣,笑著你的挑食和小孩子氣,猶如不曾變過的孩子,卻帶著讓我驚奇的成熟。我恨不得逃離這雨的城市,奔向溫暖的有你的南國,或許,我應該也要開始習慣,有些近有些遠的愛;也要習慣,淋著尷尬的小雨也要打從心底感到溫暖。

我愛你。

Champ,於又濕又冷又溫暖又幸福的永和

// 淼的

給我愛的小書蟲

再一起三個月了,我們有說有笑,有哭有鬧,每當我的小麻煩一鬧,得要哄哄他,哄得他開心。每當我的小脾氣一哭,得要讓他哭個夠,靜靜地陪著他哭,最後再給他一個隔空虛無的擁抱。想當一開始我是如何面對我的小書蟲,一開始心裡面上次很忐忑不安的,想到這段愛情在眼下的社會遭人用不一樣的眼光看待,但是你算是男人還是外星人我都喜歡,有時候會思考一件事,果真讓我們兩個男人結婚,接下來的事情我們該如何面對;我們家多了一個兒子?我們家多了一個照顧分擔的兒子?如果有那麼如此那該有多好,不一樣那有怎樣呢!於是傻呼呼的我抱著這份理想,答應了我的小書蟲一起走過然後一起面對,於是把那些不一樣的眼光拋之腦後,一開始的約會就在綠島夏卡爾,在綠島充滿屬於我的回憶,你的吻,你的觸覺,我們的身體,我們的愛我很謝謝我的書蟲可以融入我們的回憶裡,也能體諒我對夏卡爾的一切,雖然當天發生有點類似革命事件,但是這類的世界總覺得也會在我這邊遲早發生的,那時候只記得我把書蟲丟在聽海的讀書室裡任他去睡,那我就任由的吻,那是我最為珍貴的回憶。

書蟲你能體會嗎?感覺你此時此刻的幸福模樣,我的嘴角就會上揚。有人說過好的磁場會傳染給其他人,就像哈林搖那般的漫漫瘋狂,希望往後的日子都能快快樂樂的過,不過我的書蟲個性就想哭就哭的小壞蛋匹子, 一哭起來真的像一個比我小的小孩子。知道哭是要有我的陪伴,但是偏偏我們兩個是遠距離,不能像一般的情侶一般時常的擁抱,相信這類的事情我們兩個早就說過很多囉!只知道我是很愛你的,心裡只有小書蟲爬呀爬的,所謂心癢癢的就是這樣的吧。

希望接下來長久的日子,我的書蟲都能快快樂樂的,如果有不愉快的事,多讓我聽聽,也能讓我這開喜蟲幫你多多的解憂,也能體諒我慢慢地跟家人朋友提起我們這段感情。我只希望我們都能快快樂樂的過日子。只要我的小書蟲不嫌煩,我願每日都跟書蟲膩在一塊。分享我的一切。

在2015年只給我的書蟲兩個字"安心"。

我愛你=》

[ED] Think about ASKing.

Preparing final exams and reports recently is stressful for me. (I believe ‘Stressful’ is a positive vocabulary.) Especially, being a master student. is a little different from the university. Don’t misunderstanding what I mean, not for high score or A+, the difference is focus on learning attitude. The obvious case is about asking questions. That is right, we can ask anything, Don’t be afraid, Just ask! That is we were taught and encouraged when we started our education. Then, until now, what happened in our class, in our education? There are two common conditions we can see, one is still quiet in class, no questions; another common condition is what I want to talk below.

Asking without brain is not only ridiculous, but also dangerous, I think.

We need to be responsible for our questions. Before I try to do ‘asking’, this movement , the most important is do I try to search find the answer or what is my opinion. If not, what we did is just chatting but not asking. I see the students in NTU, (Honestly, sometimes they are quite annoying.) they are good at asking and dare challenge what they think is unreasonable, no matter you are professors or experts. I really enjoy the moment when everyone is asking and discussing with each other. It’s also a efficient way to know a man.

Undoubtedly, every question is stupid. But we have to really know why we ask. We should ask a stupid question smartly.

[ My Darling want me to write something in Chineses, such that he can understand. So, I should say something :淼淼,I love you!(?)

[ Do round glasses fits me perfectly?

Champ, overnight in 318 for final Evolutionary Biology exams

[ED] I am proud of my lousy English (?

I should try to write this blog in my lousy English. I read some wordpress blogs from other countries recently, finding that I am (always) narrow and limited. Everyone (in my generation) in Taiwan learned second language when we were kids. Actually I don’t think everyone should spend a lot of time and money on it. Language is a tool, if we need it, what we need is adapt to it. Most importantly, I am not major in foreign language or literature, right? (I think that is why my English is still poor, ha)

“How to improve English?" I asked many friends who are good at English before finding the ways are useless to me. I collected some answers, “Watch Sherlock!!!" (I hate serialization, I am easy to crazy on something or somebody… you know. It will restrict me.) “Read fictions." (What I love to read is easy, I don’t want to read the hard stories after scientific papers.) , “Listening to the radio." (I tried it, but only when paying a lot attention on it, I can understand.) , “Watch movies without subtitle?" (I love this way, but I don’t think I have enough time to watch movie everyday.) Come to my conclusion: I am an excellent excuse maker.

Finally, I find a good way (for me) to approach Enaglish everyday. Read Blog!!! I love it, it doesn’t cost me lots of time, I love to eat my breakfast with reading it. I also can get some interesting ideas form different directions. I really consider that the foreign bloggers is much cooler than Taiwanese. (maybe I am Xenomania.) I want to learn from them, also practice my lousy English. (Hope I can keep holding on.)

Champ, at 318 with Taipeinese cold drizzles.

[思] 想在每段關係中得到什麼?

每天睜眼好像都陷在那些讓人疲倦的社交交際聯誼。無可避免地。關於愛人家人友誼。我很像花了很多時間在思考這些議題。說真的,我沒有太感興趣。

我開始學會用難過來代替一些憤怒的情緒。是從什麼時候開始的。一輩子要遇到幾次才學會珍惜。

Champ,在家吃完早餐買了玉蘭半路送給彥廷才到的308。

[思] 第二次出生。

如果從老媽肚子裡出來,是第一次出生;對同志而言,出櫃,是第二次。

前所未有的恐懼和猶疑,該怎麼前進和後退,該怎麼預留和承受,該怎麼擁抱和流淚,每一步都小心翼翼地計量著。帶著很多的勇敢,才能如此豁達而坦然。我無法用任何語言或圖像去形容。從最好的朋友到最親的家人,一次又一次的篩晰,才知道誰是你生命中最重要的人。一次又一次的檢視,才知道誰需要你的在乎,其餘的眼光就只是眼光。終究都會得到一個結論。逐漸地,淬鍊出一個乾淨的靈魂,那不叫成熟,而是你真正知道自己的模樣,很純粹很勇敢的模樣,是鏡子無法反射的,你的模樣。

我一直想說,其實同志的靈魂真的很乾淨很純粹很美好,你知道嗎,他們度過了好幾個失眠的夜,思索著自己的存在,你知道嗎,他們努力地想隱藏也努力地想被看見的無奈,你知道嗎,他們被自己的良心折磨,不想說謊不想壓抑,你知道嗎,他們很愛自己的家人卻充滿著愧疚,你知道嗎,他們也渴望擁抱渴望親吻渴望被愛,你知道嗎?這社會知道嗎?出櫃,應該要像成年禮那樣盛大而被慶祝,像是女孩第一次月經來,像是男孩第一次有了暗戀的對象,像是新人一起步入禮堂,像是媽媽第一次懷孕,像是寶寶學會踏出第一步,像是人生的只有一次的每個第一次,都值得這麼美麗,那樣動人。

謝謝淼,為我也這麼勇敢了一次。

Champ,於318啜著中熱美。